Rêve burlesque
i fear my dreams are cursing me,
damning me to a life of déjà-vu,
half-rememberings that cloud my thoughts
and muddy my vision.
i feel as if i am wading through
a creek, chest-high,
that fog interrupts my sight
and all i can feel or think
is the slow, slow, slow
trod of each foot, each pace,
as they make their way
through so much muck
like clockwork.
in a way what i seek
i already know,
or at least can find when i venture to.
the difficulty is in choosing the course,
of not falling prey to logic or superstition
and letting thought forge
the path most suited.
it is hard to achieve this silence,
this lack, its own creation;
the totality of my knowledge
flounders in this murk,
inviting my eye. i seek
its intimacy as i seek
transgression,
‘til i again find myself
face-to-face with
the unknown.
Sense
there is so much i must get out.
i have fallen a little bit in love today,
though i knew him from before.
i once found him naive;
a boyish, hot-blooded adolescent,
but then two years makes marks
and shapes things in ways
impossible to foresee, opens
eyes clouded with ego and superstition.
when he speaks the rhythm of
his voice is like music,
maple syrup rolling over
me and coating my skin with sugar.
at the bar he brushes against me,
i prickle, wrinkle up like bath fingers,
and i know there is nothing left i can do,
know my body has lay down in surrender.
at the table, we sit across from one
another, bodies meeting tête à tête.
our shoulders salute as if in greeting,
sly eye contact we both perceive.
i want to devour him and i think he knows this.
there is something he knows,
always has, that i do not.
he used to tell stories.
when i first met him i remember
being captivated by his beauty.
his thick black hair, dark eyes,
and facial structure equal to that of any print model.
and boy did he talk. talked and talked.
i wish i could remember the stories he would tell,
seemingly unrelated anecdotes about his family
or his upbringing, his hometown or his hobbies.
i should highlight the seemingly.
i always laughed at his stories.
they were beautiful.
once he came over to my apartment;
we drank tea on my tomato red couch and
his silence made me uncomfortable.
his eyes saw too much of me
and i wanted to retreat.
later i heard a story about him
loudly fucking some girl in the shower
while his roommate was home;
i didn’t talk to him after that.
he confronted me, in his
gentle, careful way, and i told him the truth.
he was uncomfortable, without words.
we didn’t speak much again.
now, i am breathless.
i sat next to him on the car-ride home,
our legs touching only slightly at first
and then more, shin and thigh
meeting through denim and
waves through and through my body.
at one point in the night,
he looked at me and said that we’re
on the same wavelength.
i hope i don’t read
too much into that.
i want to read
so much into that.
Ramble
i have used you so long as a metaphor,
my own fill-in-the-blank,
that i struggle to remember our beginnings.
was it simply your wanting that drew me to you,
your swift ability to take?
for too long i yearned for a man i do not know,
whose hollowness i used as a mirror
for my own shortcomings,
but these latter have grown too heavy,
and i no longer delight in the thought of you.
my childish obsession, need for possession,
all of this started--and will end--with me.
i cannot fathom you as more than fragments
of my own imaginative longing,
the lies i told myself in the aim of satiety.
once i wished you dead, but now i see
the parody of this performance.
you cannot kill that which never lived,
nor have that which never was.
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