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Literary magazine. |
 Calendar of Regrets
December 4, 2008
Welcome to another episode of my own little pirate podcast coming to you semi-live and completely indirect every week from a different corner of the godforsaken Salton Sea, deadest body of saline solution on the deadest stretch of southwestern desert you’ll ever want to forget. And here you are. Am I on the air? How you’ll just be like sitting there in your room, or maybe walking down the street, and this like Saran Wrap of isolation will suddenly enfold you without warning? And love us, too, right? Fucking A, man. I’ve got a knife. I’ll use it. Glad to hear it, honey. We love you, too. Sleep well for me tonight, okay? May your dreams fill the room you inhabit. You’re the best, Jolly Roger. My name’s Mike. Flattery will get you everywhere, Mike. Or at least another two minutes of air time in the netherglobe. What wisdom would you like to impart to us fellow Morlocks traveling side by side with you in the great time machine called Mother Earth this afternoon? I’ve been thinking about how they’re all like totally Iraqed. Who’s that, Mike? The kids? In malls? You know, with their lip rings and tongue studs and the way they laugh at you by not laughing? You can see it in their eyes. Not sure I’m quite following you here, Mike … They don’t wanna do ratshit, ayte? Look at them irises. Fuckers go on and on about dismantling the system and burning the Man and blowing up their high schools and whatever? Only what they really want? What they really want is to sit around on their fucking asses all day watching SpongeBob SquarePants and snarfing Cheesy Poofs. Why do you think that is, Mike? This ain’t THINKING, Jolly. I’ve got one word for you. One word? Hormone deficit. Help me out here. Them birds in Lake Ontario? All of a sudden one day they can’t find no more mates, ayte? So the females? They start going gay. You hear about that? I haven’t. Shit, man. They start nesting with these other females, taking turns tending their infertile eggs. F that S. Know what I’m saying? Or them other birds? Cormordants? They got beaks so fucking twisted they can’t eat nothing. Six-legged frogs. Two-headed turtles. And that place in Florida? The one with all them alligators with dicks too small to fuck with? Tell me that ain’t like totally fucked up. That’s totally fucked up, Mike. So here’s what I want to know. Who gives a shit about like global warming and whatever when your dick’s too small to fuck with? Good point. Lemme ask you something. How many sperm you think your average guy’s supposed to got in an average-sized sackload? I’m just a lowly podcaster here. Used to be close to a hundred million per milliliter. Word. Used to be? Couple years ago? These scientists? They studied like men from all around the world, and you know what they find? They find sperm counts’ve fallen by half in the last fifty years, ayte? HALF. You got yourself spunk levels that low, you’d be watching SpongeBob SquarePants. You serious about all this stuff, Mike? Alphabetical pollutants. PCBs. DDT. Plastics. Cosmetics. Paints. Detergents. They mimic the effects of female hormones, ayte? Screw with your reproductive and nervous and immune systems. Put that together with them tainted flu vaccines and you’ve got yourself a regular apopaclypse. Tainted flu vaccines? Serratia? Same shit the government released from this ship off San Francisco in the fifties to test whether an enemy could launch a biological attack from a distance? Yeah? Whole lots of them vaccines contaminated with it. The U.S. government, Mike? Aren’t they supposed to be on our side? Only they thought it was like this harmless microbe at the time, ayte? Turns out it causes this like avalanche of bad juju. Everything from heart-valve infections to peptic shock. You want one word for it? Chinese toothpaste. You think you’re being careful? You think you’re doing all you can? I’m not sure I do. Cuz walk around with fucking plastic bags over your hands? You’re still hosed. You wanna hint? The prognosis is always fatal, man. ALWAYS. In cases of ingesting Chinese toothpaste, you’re saying? In cases of being alive, man. Word, man. Word. ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… Welcome to lucky episode thirteen of my own little pirate podcast coming to you semi-live and completely indirect every week from a different corner of the godforsaken Salton Sea, deadest body of saline solution on the deadest stretch of southwestern desert you’ll ever want to forget. I checked our download stats at what passes for the Internet café at the Fountain of Youth RV Resort down the road from glorious Niland yesterday afternoon, folks, and I’m happy to report our numbers have soared from one hundred sixty-six last week to a whopping one hundred eighty-seven as of 1:33 p.m. this day just past. So it looks like the passenger deck on this ship of fools is filling fast. Can fame and fortune be far behind? Almost surely not. But who the fuck cares? Jolly Roger wants to thank you all for opening your ears, your hearts, your minds … Remember: all you have to do to set sail with the whole sick crew is search out my revolving Web site. To find it, just listen to your closest friends. Surf the web with real curiosity. Open each and every piece of spam you receive. I plan on sticking around here for the great duration listening to what everybody has to say whom God and His Gofers have forgotten … Speaking of which, imagine me tonight, if you will, sitting cross-legged on a deserted beach somewhere at the end of the world. The clock on my computer screen says 3:12 in the a.m. The temperature is a balmy seventy-eight. The forecast, like our government, is bland and predictable. A light breeze wafts in across the blasted water, on the far side of which hangs a stark low mountain range on the horizon. Stars are manifest in hazy profusion. To coin a phrase. Surrounding me is an abandoned playground, its swingless swing, broken seesaw, and monkey bars in the shape of a submarine’s conning tower half sunk in what at first glance you might mistake for white sand. You would be wrong. The granular substance, if you examine it closely, is in fact composed of myriad crushed fish bones from myriad fish kills. The air carries a salty piscine reek that you can taste on your lips, at the back of your tongue, deep in the intricacies of your sinuses. Leave here and drive to Niland, to Mecca, to Palm Springs, and that taste will dog you, friends, reminding you for hours post factum of this alcove in Nowhere’s Mansion. Behind me looms the renowned, now-deserted blue and white Marina Hotel with its empty, graffitied swimming pool. The windows were long ago boardedup with plywood. The back door has been, let us say, renovated by indigenes to allow easy ingress by the odd intrepid traveler. To wander past what once was a meat locker through what once was the bar, now a dark ramshackle cavern concretized with gull guano and atrill with the birds’ uncanny coos, is finally to understand Mr. Tom Waits’s voice. To read the thoughts spray-painted along the swimming pool walls is to understand Mr. Lou Reed’s lyrics. Your name means nothing, they say. Hell’s cuties. Nighttime flight. Oh, yeah. Make no mistake about it, friends. This is the zone of cars sunken nose first into the briny slush along the shoreline, back halves jutting above the surface like huge rusted fins. The zone of derelict cafés and dented golf carts propped on blocks in grassless yards. The zone two hundred feet below hope possessing a heat so malicious it can clear the searing streets for weeks on end, a pollution so ferocious it can evacuate the vast inland blue of every boat and swimmer for months at a stretch. And you may ask yourself, as the Talking Heads do, Well, how did we get here? At the turn of the last century, the story goes, the eminent California Development Company, seeking to realize Imperial Valley’s potential for unlimited agricultural productivity, dug irrigation canals from the Colorado River. When not-unexpected heavy silt loads commenced inhibiting the flow, engineers created a cut in the western bank to allow more water through. Jump to periodic Biblical rains. Jump to periodic Biblical floods. Jump to the breaching of the levees. And witness, if you will, nearly all the river’s mighty flow rushing headlong into what till then had been known as the arid bowl-like Salton Sink. By the time the breach was closed in 1907, the present-day Salton Sea had been formed: fifteen miles wide, thirty-five long, an average of thirty deep. Instead of evaporating, as some innocents had predicted, it more or less maintained itself by massive agricultural runoff from the Imperial and Coachella valleys. Combine that with the its increasing salinity and inflow of highly polluted water from the northward-flowing New River, and witness a wild chemical broth that began to spawn monstrous algal blooms. Said blooms starved the water of oxygen. The lack of oxygen spawned voluminous fish die-offs. The voluminous fish die-offs spawned immensely elevated bacteria levels. The immensely elevated bacteria levels spawned massive bird die-offs. And … And what else could one possibly do when played such a surreal hand except make it all into a tourist attraction that failed almost as soon as it was imagined? All of which is to say: welcome to Dreadland, friends. Welcome to the Desert of the Real. And welcome to my humble vessel. My listing luxury liner. The inside of my head for the next twenty minutes … Where you phoning from, Dan? Portland. And what do you do there in the beautiful City of Roses? I’m a member of this group of artists? What kind of artists? We’re called The Heraclitus? As in the Greek river one can never step into twice? Exactly. And what, Dan, is your group’s medium? Cells. As in, small rooms in prisons? As in, one or more nuclei surrounded by cytoplasm and enclosed by a membrane. Human cells? Human. Cow. Fish. A stem cell is pretty much a stem cell. It’s what you do with it that’s important? And you’re doing what? Biochemical engineering. I sit before you, metaphorically speaking, deeply impressed. We take these like, um … frames? Think of them as frames? Polymer scaffolds? And we grow the cells on them into … stuff. You differentiate the cells into whatever you want them to be. Bone. Muscle. Liver. Whatever. Then you cook them in a bioreactor for a couple of months. A bioreactor? Yeah. This, um, this device that supports a biologically active environment? They’re used a lot in tissue-engineering? What sort of stuff are we talking about here? Stuff that’s kind of unimaginable, but not really? You can, like, embed an iPod Nano into a, um, dog’s heart? Say again, Dan? Yeah. With this like hole in it for the dial and earphone jack and everything? That’s what I listen to you on sometimes. Or you can craft this bio-jewelry? Real goat eyeballs, maybe, that you can hang around your neck? Or say you want to decorate your computer with human teeth? Or make your trackpad out of cat-tongue tissue for better traction? You can do that, too. Except that’s not the really cool stuff. It’s not? We’re in the process of giving people the option to grow extra little things on themselves? On their, like, bodies? Not prosthetics or plastic surgery or whatever. We can, like … Okay. Picture tiny devil horns for your forehead made out of real, you know, growing bone tissue? You have to get them filed down every once in a while, just like you get a haircut? Or instead of a tattoo of bat wings on your back? You can get small living batwings implanted? One on each shoulder blade? You can’t fly or anything, but still. It’s pretty cool. Or maybe a miniature set of gills just below your ears … or maybe, like, on the back of your hands? Or what about a squirrel’s eyeball on the tip of your dick? Okay, Dan, now you’re starting to scare me. Oh, no. There’s nothing scary here, Jolly Roger. I mean, no animals are hurt or anything? And if you’re uncomfortable or whatever, you don’t have to join in. But someday? Yeah? Someday we plan to make little chimera. Chimera? Little like fairy-tale creatures? One of Snow White’s seven dwarfs. An angel. A miniature Loch Ness monster for your bathtub? Stuff like that. They won’t be alive or anything? They’ll sort of be like stuffed animals, only built out of real skin instead of cloth. Won’t the skin go bad? Nope. We treat it with a polymer. It’ll basically last forever. You’re an aesthetic pioneer of the flesh. I don’t know. I mean, actually, this whole thing’s a pretty old idea. From back in the days when we thought science fiction was merely a literary genre? You ever hear of FM-2030? A radio station? A futurist. His real name was Fereidoun M. Esfandiary. He was the son of this Iranian diplomat. He taught at the New School in the Sixties and wrote a book called Are You a Transhuman? He said he was really a twenty-first-century person who just happened to be born in 1930. He called himself temporally challenged. He always talked about how he had this tremendous nostalgia for the future. That’s where he got his name. He said he wanted to live to be a hundred years old so he could see the year 2030, which he thought would represent this like huge breakthrough moment. Things just get interestinger and interestinger. FM argued that we’re all transhumans, really. As in Transitory Humans? In the sense that we’re all always evolving? Not figuratively. Literally. Every species is an intermediary species. Meaning humans are just these always-already mutations waiting to happen. Except most of us don’t want to think about stuff like that too hard? We don’t want to contemplate the consequences of being in-process organisms? So we’re back to your Greek river, only made of soft tissue. Why settle for being who you were born as? Why settle for being the person you were ten minutes ago? Thanks for your report from the epidermal front, Dan from Portland. Hey, we all love your show up here. We tell everyone we meet to listen. Well, you’ve certainly given us plenty to keep us awake tonight. Keep us posted, all right? Let us know when the lights have changed. Let us know when it’s time to cross the street, okay, Dan? Dan? ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ………
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