I'll be presenting in Grass Valley, CA at the Passion into Action conference on January 23, 2010 - my workshop is called: "Finding Your Voice: Asking for What You Want, Saying No, and Speaking Up!"  This blog entry is a sneak preview of that material.

Losing Our Voice
In our culture, we tend to ask for substantially less than 100% of what we want.  We are trained to be nice, to take care of everyone’s feelings, and to put other’s needs before our own.  As we grow, we learn that if we ask for what we want, people will reject us, or refuse our requests, or do what we want but resent us for asking.  So we ask for less and less, in the hope that we can craft a solution that will take care of everyone and maybe then we’ll get a little bit of what we want and need.  In a competitive environment of scarcity, where there’s not enough to go around, it may even be a smart move to stop wanting things altogether.  We lose our ability to ask, or even to know what we want at all.

The Cooperative Contract
In an ideal world, we would ask for 100% of what we want, 100% of the time, listen to what others want, and negotiate to agreement.  Agreement would involve many factors: our history with each other, our mood, the relative importance of our needs, our purpose in relationship, and the commitment we have to the relationship.  In a cooperative model, we bring an underlying commitment to each other’s satisfaction and equal rights, as well as an understanding that people hold varying degrees of personal, structural, contractual and transactional power.  Rather than trying to equalize that power, we make the power that we have transparent, so it can be included in the negotiation.

According to Skills for Change, there is a simple contract to ensure we are cooperating: No Secrets, No Lies, No Rescues, No Power Plays.  Claude Steiner has written a great book called "The Other Side of Power" which is available for free download on his website if you are interested in learning more.

A History of Asking
Unfortunately, we rarely encounter ideal cooperative models in our society and history, though cultural innovators and engineers have sought to create Utopian cities, enclaves, communes, and collectives for centuries.  Instead, we encounter hierarchies with distinct and established power structures, or hybrids with a mix of hierarchy and cooperation.  Rarely do we see pure cooperation, where a decision is taken only when everyone agrees.

For many good reasons, we are trained in our culture to ask for less than what we want.  In situations where there is a power difference between the asker and the listener, the consequences of asking can range from frustrating to dire: disconnection, misunderstanding, loss of time, loss of opportunity, loss of relationship, and at worst threat of violence or danger.  No wonder we learn not to ask.

Ideal vs. Real
Our cultural values say that we live in a cooperative and democratic society where all are equal.  The distance between the ideal and the reality promotes an individually oppressive situation where people are blamed for not asking, rather than the culture, the power structures, or the social norms.  We lose our voice, as well as our power to collectively join together to change the dominant systems that keep us from asking.

Powerful or Powerless
As we internalize our right to ask or not ask, based on our relative position in a given family, group, or organization, we embody feelings of power or powerlessness.  These feelings tend to be contextual – who are we asking, or who is asking us?  What is our history of success asking, and what kinds of reward and punishment have we received as responses to our requests?  We internalize these feelings of power or powerlessness at a young age, and shape ourselves and our asking to be safe and connected.

The Rescue Triangle
If we are not asking for what we want, we are either doing more than our share of the work, or more than we want to do, or less than our share or less than we want to do.  When we play the Rescuer, or find ourselves in the role of Victim, we often dislike the feelings and results of the transactions that are taking place in our relationships.  This dislike puts us in the position of Persecutor – we rebel and the energy we get from our irritation, frustration or anger often gives us the power to escape the Rescue Triangle dynamic and move toward asking for our 100%, 100% of the time.  The emotions that tell us we’re on the Rescue Triangle are: burn out, rebellion, guilt.  The emotions of Persecution are: irritation, impatience, frustration, resentment, anger, rage.  It’s next to impossible to exit the Rescue Triangle entirely – systemic Rescues surround us, whether they are the Rescues of sexism, racism, or ageism, etc. or the Rescues that we engage in because cooperation isn’t possible due to hierarchy and people’s willingness to share power, or the Rescues that we engage in as parents, partners, or friends.

Tools for Cooperation
In a cooperative model, we use the feelings of the people involved to guide us to resolutions that work for everyone.  We speak about our Held Feelings and Stories until the air is clear, and the love that we share in our relationship has returned.  If you find yourself in a Rescue Triangle dynamic with someone, ask yourself what your 100% might be.  Then consider whether you think the person would be willing to work on the relationship with you.  If you can’t figure out your 100%, or you aren’t sure your relationship can tolerate the work, you might want to ask for help.  Often we get stuck, thinking that the patterns we’re in are unchangeable.  When individual action fails, get collective on the problem!

A Room of One’s Own
So what does this mean for your writing?  If you’ve spent your life taking care of others, it may take some time to reorganize yourself around your voice, your writing, and the importance of taking care of yourself.  In Virginia Woolf’s time, she knew that in order to write she needed a room of her own, a place where she could attend to her writing and her own needs without considering anyone else.  There’s a certain amount of selfishness required to write, and it’s no wonder that we have comparatively so little written and published by women even today: women’s lives were constructed around taking care of others, and they often still are.

This is why so many successful writers do their writing first thing in the morning, before the world has shown up with its daily to-do list.  I’m a night writer, so don’t despair if mornings are not your thing.  If you have to calendar time with someone else to make sure your writing happens, go ahead - whatever way you do it, you are putting yourself first!